Relationship With A Narcissistic Personality

It doesn’t take long to find a personality compatibility test online. For anybody who is at the early stages of a relationship, these online tests can provide the reassurance they need. One of the most popular tests, the Myers-Briggs personality questionnaire that breaks down your personality into four specific traits – I for introverted or E for extroverted, N for intuition or S for sensing; F for feeling or T for thinking, and J for judgment or P for perception – can be a valuable source of information when it comes to defining your relationship strengths. Admit it; you’ve taken the Myers-Brigg test to find out more about yourself. But did you know that you can use your results to figure out how you behave in a relationship and what type of personality is best suited for your partner? If you’re looking for trustworthy and reliable results, using a personality questionnaire is going to prove more helpful than relying on Tarot cards, horoscope, or even Chinese zodiac signs. As time passes, the need for reassurance about the relationship generally dies out.

There are typically two reasons why people who are already in a relationship might want to find out more about their compatibility score. Firstly, because they have a happy relationship and hope to find something amusing they can laugh about with their partner. Secondly, because they are not happy in their relationship and they are wondering if there is an underlying cause for the situation. If you find yourself looking for an answer about your partner’s behavior, chances are that you have unknowingly entered a dysfunctional relationship. Dysfunctional relationships are often the results of incompatible personalities, such as people with violently different political opinions, for instance. Some personality types are simply not made to be together. In rare cases, you might have met someone whose personality disorder makes the relationship impossible.

Narcissists are among the most destructive personality types. In a relationship, they can cause a lot of emotional and psychological damages. More importantly, due to their disorder, they can have a tendency to manipulate and use your feelings for their own satisfaction. Admittedly, it’s hard to define whether you’re dealing with a case of a narcissistic personality disorder unless you’re a trained psychiatrist. However, there are some signs that can help you to better understand your partner and handle the relationship accordingly.

What Is A Narcissist?

First of all, you might have heard a lot of narcissism, but more often than not, it is a term that is often misused to describe self-centered individuals. Instead, you might want to get back to the medical definition of a narcissist. The narcissist is someone who thrives on feeling special and unique in their life. Ultimately, we all want to feel special from time to time, but for the narcissistic personality, there’s a real addiction to the feeling, which can cause them to take action to secure their “special” position intentionally. When this happens, the narcissist puts the sense of uniqueness as a priority for their happiness. This sensation of being better than others and admired becomes the sole driver of the relationship. It replaces their interest in the other person, or even in the couple. As they establish themselves on a pedestal, they are not afraid to use other people to fulfill their need for admiration. It is crucial, at this stage, to understand that the narcissist has developed their personality disorder as a response to a painful experience in their past, a period during which they felt weak and helpless. Beware, however, recognizing that narcissism is defined by pain and insecurity doesn’t excuse the way they treat you.

Beware Of Manipulative Affection

The narcissist is not afraid to bind you to their will in order to create the feeling of being special they crave. More often than not, you’ll find that the narcissist is affectionate and attentive during the courting stage, as he gets to know you and learn how to manipulate your emotions. Ultimately, his goal is for you to admire him and make him feel unique. His affection and kindness are solely targeted at encouraging yours. Therefore, if you notice that your partner doesn’t show you kindness every day it might be a cause for worry. However, it can be helpful to keep a clear mind. Someone people might become distant in their relationship as a result of stress in their professional or personal life. Everybody deals with stress differently, and without appropriate stress relief, it can be tricky to regain the intimacy and love of your relationship. However, someone who’s going through a lot of pressure will not be able to fluctuate in their affection as effortlessly as a narcissist. They will remain distant until they can manage their stress levels or until the underlying issue is resolved. On the other hand, a narcissistic personality is more likely to withhold his affection as a punishment to you if he thinks you are not offering what he craves.

He Doesn’t Listen To You

A narcissist wants to be loved and admired. The last thing he wants is to listen to what you have to say – unless you are talking about him. Here again, you need to be careful not to jump to the wrong conclusions. Someone who isn’t paying attention is necessarily a narcissistic personality. He might be going through a rough time, for instance. He might be too tired to focus. Or he may just be thinking about something else. But every narcissist develops a pattern to take over the conversation. Typically, he will dictate what the conversation is about, which means that you might not get a chance to discuss your day. Additionally, he may be keen to interrupt you to drag the conversation into his preferred direction – with one exception, which is if your partner is passionate about a topic and wants to let you know everything about it! Ultimately, a conversation is an exchange; it’s the occasion for you to build a safe place for you and him. Your discussion should be all about your us. When it’s all about him, your relationship is dysfunctional.

He Makes Promises He Refuses To Keep

Everybody breaks promises once in a while. Whether you didn’t schedule your time correctly or you were scared of saying no, some promises are broken on the way. Sometimes, unforeseeable events force you to cancel your plans. But, when you’re dealing with a narcissistic personality, promises are rarely kept. After all, someone who wants to be admired is going to lie to you about what they can and can’t achieve. Similarly, they are likely to make promises to get you to do their bidding and break them when they don’t need you anymore.

He Has A Trophy Complex

You are not equal. A narcissist sees themselves as better than you. That is, ultimately, part of the disorder. As a consequence, he is going to try to convince you that you and everyone else are below him. At first, it might be the little things, such as correcting you when you speak – regardless of whether or not you make a mistake. A narcissistic personality’s favorite answer starts with a “but” because he needs to prove you wrong. He also has a grandiose personality; he’s most likely to claim that you or others would be completely lost without him.

How Do You Get Out Of The Relationship?

When you start putting the clues together, you may come to the conclusion that your partner has, indeed, a narcissistic personality. You can’t expect him to change overnight and start respecting you because, ultimately, he values himself over you. But you can gradually take back control creating your boundaries. Reconnect with friends and relatives who can help you to go through a hard time. You can also work with a divorce lawyer to define clear separation rules and protect yourself. The hardest thing you’ll ever do is to walk away, especially if you’re a naturally emphatic personality. It’s in your nature to care for others, and that’s precisely why your partner chose you.

It Takes Time To Find Your Inner Self Again

Relationships with narcissists are often described as abusive because your partner is not afraid to manipulate your emotions to fulfill his addiction. At first, you will find it difficult to redefine who you are. But use positive affirmations in your daily routine to find your way out of the darkness. Treat yourself like you want others to treat you, with love and respect. This starts with your lifestyle; a healthy lifestyle will help your mind to recover.

Is there no hope for narcissists? While psychologists unanimously agree that you should avoid a relationship with a narcissistic personality at all cost, recent studies show that things may not be as hopeless as they seem. Exercises designed to monitor commitment, egotism, and empathy have been able to demonstrate slight transformations in narcissistic behaviors.

You can’t train a narcissist to become a better partner at the moment. However, we can be optimistic that in the future, targeted therapies and treatments might see positive results. Maybe the narcissists of today will be the emphatics of tomorrow.


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52 thoughts

  1. Narcissism is a typical life stage for a sixteen year old that gets shocked into a reality check and flees when one starts work and takes on responsibilities. Or used to. I understand now why the world was so “hard” in prior generations. The culture of the entire world is now very me-focused from school-age forward and so we get a lot of people who are unable to function in relationships, since that requires giving of yourself and looking after the interests of others. Great insight. I am hoping that this is not your circumstances. But there is hope through early recognition and willingness to change.

    1. No, these are not my circumstances 🙂, but as you said yourself, now there are a lot of people “me-focused”…

  2. True story. They will suck the life out of the people closest to them, all to make themselves look good.

  3. That was again very interesting reading, Ula!
    I am just wondering, if a narcissist would ever agree to treatment of a kind, as they would not be able to see that something is wrong with them, they are perfect in their own eyes … or are they???

      1. Yes, let’s hope so, they can’t be all beyond redemption … 😉 There are so many of these relationships. I have four of those alone within my circle of friends. Had, I have to say, luckily they are all out of it.

  4. I think you might have met my ex somewhere, as you were writing this 😀 I loved her, and I had tried to understand her, tried to build a meaningfull relationship with her. But it was always about her and her carrier. She openly said our relationship had to wait until later. Whener I wanted to fight for us, wanted more time with her, she turned the tables and accussed ME of exhibiting narcissistic behaviour. I had tried to change her for two years, to be understanding. Finally I’ve had enough. Since 2017 I’m single. My ex doesn’t anybody but herself…

  5. Been there and still have the scares, and cause I’m male in n ireland I never beloved, as I say in my blog, 6 months to get 2 hours months supervision and all so ex can still be on CONTRL

  6. Thanks for the interesting post. It’s also very difficult if they are family members, as it’s harder to separate from them. Sigh.

  7. Wonderful article, Ula! I have been surrounded by narcissists, and I have found them to be toxic and unlikely to change. For me, removing myself from their circles was my best option.

  8. Really great post! I enjoyed reading it and could so relate to it. A couple of months ago I came out of a relationship where I’m now realizing that the guys was super narcissistic.. Reading these kind of posts helps me acknowledging what I have been through – thank you 🙂

  9. Having been married to a narcissist at one time and working with other survivors of narcissistic abuse, this article is spot on, I couldn’t have said it better myself. Definitely a must read for anyone who has experienced such a relationship. Thank you for posting!!!!!

  10. Someone very close to me was in a relationship with a narcissist. 🙁 It’s not a good experience, I’m not sure if he will ever fully recover from the relationship ending and the pain that she caused him.

  11. I was in a relationship with a narcissist. Impossible to please. He was violent as well so add that in to the mix. Had to call the cops on him. Was married to the psycho for way too long and tried many times to leave and i’m finally free but trying to re-build my life and self-esteem. Truly evil he is. 😦

  12. I have always wanted to take one of those personal evaluation tests but but are they really that somehow accurate? Great post

  13. I had a romantic relationship with a narcissist and he was also Polish! He was a ‘covert’ narcissist, which is a narcissist who plays the victim, guilties others to complying to all his wishes, blames the parents and siblings for shortcomings and displays passive agressive behaviour. We were engaged to be married when I caught up a major lie and ended the relationship right before going to Poland. I can declare all points you noted are absolutely on-spot. Thank you for sharing!

    1. I’m sorry to hear that, but I can promise you that not all Polish people are like that 🙂🌷

  14. Anyone have any advice with this situation that I’m currently in with my wife. See I’m a disabled combat veteran who has no family because due to me having PTSD and TBI my mom and my brother kinda gave up on me and we’ll you see I did cheat on my wife and I did post quite a few ads online looking for something while with her in the beginning and the reason for this I cheated on her when we separated one time. And I was looking but never heard back from real people just scams and we’ll I truly wish I would have never ever done this to hurt her cause knowing who she is I love he so her kids are grown and a year ago I talked to her son whos 22 and cried saying to him what his mom ment to me and how sorry I was and how much I loved her and didn’t want to lose her and I told him I would never hurt her again like this. But you know I am being hurt consistently by his mom my wife see since about 4 years ago she decided to buy a smartphone online and she tends to place it under furniture hidden out of view and record audio when she is at work and I am here at home posting video games online she doesn’t believe me she thinks I’m texting someone or having friends come over here all the time and she will text me when she’s at work saying who did you tell this to and I say myself she will then say I fuc ing hate you get out David and I am divorcing you and you Know what hurts is I have done everything to prove to her I’m not cheating I showed her my phone my emails even forwarded all my calls to her phone and forgot about doing this so it was set up for a few months and still she thinks the same thing about me and you know when I think we doing better so we go to the casino and I give her say $140 to gamble with she told me she purposely loses the money to get back at me for having someone over our apartment. And it never matters that I have not ever done this type of thing nor do I even know anyone to invite over to our home plus I made a mistake in the beginning by hurting someone I love but when is this person going to be more nicer to me I do anything she asked me to and she said she records me to my mom and Friend who stayed here a while with us like it was a game she was proud of killing me and making me feel like dying everyday from this torture. She always wants to call it quits and leave me alone and she knows my mom did this to me and I totally fear dying alone cause I can’t have kids and I am not cheating on her because I might have testicular cancer and I can’t even do my wife like I want to so can anyone help me with this issue cause I seriously can’t even begin to tell you how much this is upsetting to me and now hurting me cause she said to me she records me just in case I have a seizure but then she said you can find out just what someone else thinks of you by recording them but I don’t like it its too controlling furthermore telling me who you speaking with I can’t watch YouTube TV or speak in my home cause second a woman speaks she says get that whore out of the apartment David and tells me to get out cause she f ucking hates me and sometimes she has said to me David who was in the car with pink hair and I tell her I don’t know well for a week I’m yelled at then she gives her friend a ride to the store and fail off his jacket to the seat of her car pink hair she asked him if I gave him a ride a week ago he says yes why then she asked him who he knew with Pink hair he said his wife so she comes home tells me how sorry she is she should learn to trust me takes me to lunch and then turns around and does the same thing she said she wouldn’t do she does the very next day with recording me asking me who is here no one KRISTINA so I send her a video of me home alone in the apartment and she doesn’t believe me so she races home only to see for herself so SERIOUSLY please let me know what I should do cause I seek love happiness someone who I can kiss cuddle with and make love to all the time and someone who I know loves me and doesn’t just say that to me and when there gone they decide to laugh at me for being a disabled combat veteran who no friends and family and no one to ever help me out with relieving a lot of sexual tension and furthermore I really really want to find my woman again the one who would give me head 24/7 or get Loud calling me daddy and who would be getting super loud and SUPER wet from me giving it to her really hard and deep and daily and I love spoiling her but lately it’s been hard to. Cause when I first met her it was funny she measured my penis and said I don’t think you’d fit but I can try to make it work then she would suck on it daily and have me pounding her sore and making her weak from getting beat by her daddy and then she slowly changed to once maybe twice or maximum three times a year and I want my wife back I want her to know I love her I’m sorry and I really miss sex with her and I miss her getting Loud and Calling me daddy 24/7 so please let me know should I go find a new woman or stay thinking she is going to change or what ??

  15. I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until recently after going through a relationship with someone I believe is one. Since, I have figured out that my father is a full-blown narcissist which has explained why I’ve been attracted to those type of personalities – it is how I grew up and I thought it was normal and a man being ‘macho’ (more to it than that, but that’s the short version). I’ve learned so much and am now healing thankfully. I appreciate your article.

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