Among all the family events you could plan, the funeral stands as one you hope you never have to attend to. But of course, most of us will have to contribute to this event at some point in our lives. On the face of it, doing so can be quite hard and an emotionally turbulent experience to go through.
But look a little deeper, and it’s actually a real honor and privilege to plan this event for someone who is no longer with us. While deeply sad and moving, and usually a token of the grieving process, it’s also a wonderful symbol to provide for someone we love. Arranging someone’s last goodbye to be filled with as much love, heartfelt respect and closure as possible is a wonderful thing. We can only hope that someone has the means and will to provide that for us one day.
But that doesn’t make this event feel any less daunting to put together, especially if this is the first real familial loss you’ve suffered since becoming an adult. Perhaps people are looking to you now, and that’s pretty intense. Sure, focusing on a project and planning can help you pause the grief for a little while, but that doesn’t make it easy.
Well, while this guide might not be the easiest or most comfortable read, we hope it can be the most calming and reassuring. In the following post, we’ll discuss how to plan a respectful and heartfelt funeral.
However, we do so with the huge disclaimer that this advice will be considered from the general cultural practice of Western, anglophone countries. The particular cultural rites and practices you may have in your own heritage and place of origin are still entirely valid and worth following, you just won’t find much advice here regarding those specifics.
Look To Any Directions, Preparations Or Planning In The Will
Now, sometimes you don’t have to come up with the entire plan for yourself. It’s important to consider any wishes the deceased may have outlined in their will or shared with family members before their passing. These directions might include preferences for burial or cremation, specific locations, religious or cultural practices they want to follow, or even the kind of music they’d like played. Some relatives have even planned their funeral down to the T and placed money away to help pay for it.
Taking these wishes into account not only honors their memory but also provides a clear starting point for your planning, and you’ll likely find relief here, given that their requests aren’t extreme. If no formal will exists or they haven’t expressed any preference, conversations with close relatives and friends can sometimes uncover preferences that your lost relative may have mentioned casually. This way you can do your best to figure out their preferences.
Discuss With Relatives
As strange as it might be to say, funerals are not only about the relative we’ve lost but also for the living, which is a way to collectively mourn and support one another. Their expressed preferences should come first of course, but you get to have a say too if you think it can help you remember and celebrate them more readily. This is why open communication with your relatives is so important, so sit down with family members to discuss their thoughts, share ideas, and how they’d like to contribute.
Some may want to contribute by writing or delivering a eulogy, while others might prefer to handle logistics like booking the venue or organizing transportation. If you can trust them and you know it won’t come into conflict, then be sure to assign those tasks and oversee it all. However, try to keep the circle tight, as too many cooks are an adage that can apply to events like this as well.
Now, there may be some hard questions here. Do you let a relative attend that your lost loved one didn’t like and had common disagreements with? Well, should you deny someone who wants to play genuine respect? Sometimes that’s not our decision to make. I can’t possibly tell you what to do here, but be prepared for conversations like this.
Plan Your Timeline
While there’s no exact timeline for when funerals take place, there are certain decisions that need to be made promptly. These include selecting a funeral home, deciding on the burial or cremation process, and setting a date for the service. For obvious reasons, burials will need to be taken care within a few weeks for the most part, but cremations can be scheduled quickly, and then if you choose a ceremony from that point on, there’s no clock ticking down before you can put that into place.
From there, you can map out other elements like guest lists, flower arrangements, and any readings or speeches to include in the ceremony too. Having a timeline or checklist can reduce some of the stress by giving you a clear path forward and dates by which to book. Your local church or similar venue can also help you pick the best date for you to attend.
Select Your Venue
You don’t have to book the funeral in a church, temple, or religious building, but many families that are areligious choose to do so anyway. There’s something respectful and traditional about it, but if you’d prefer to have the gathering at an event hall or somewhere willing to take you, that can be just as worthwhile if your loved one would have approved.
For instance, you may head to a beach, set up a warming reception, and then spread their ashes in some picturesque spaces overlooking the ocean nearby depending on what you know of your lost loved one. Of course, factor this into your budget.
Consider Any Additions Or Accessories
Small details can make the funeral feel more personal and memorable even if they haven’t expressed interest in specifics. These might include selecting meaningful floral arrangements, creating a lovely slideshow of photographs, or arranging for live music so the ambiance is set just right and the songs make you think of your loved ones.
Some families choose to provide keepsakes to share, like a small card with a favorite quote or photograph of your relative. Certain more tangible tokens such as bronze death date scrolls by Memorials.com can serve as a lovely testimonial to them and their time on this Earth.
Of course, considering headstones and engravings can be important too – they don’t necessarily have to be prepared for the exact funeral date, but it can help to have plans in motion as you know when the final event date is.
If you’re pooling money together for the budget it’s important to have these approved, and if not buying them out of pocket can be ideal.
With this advice, I hope you can more easily plan a respectful and heartfelt funeral everyone will love and remember. Do your best – it’s more than enough.
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